Recently I attended memorial services in Japan. It was my father’s. I have forgotten unwritten rules and expectations particularly for those special occasions. While my stay in Japan, I put on my long blue dress for church. It was my thoughtful choice to be conservative. Surprisingly, my sister did not approve how it looked and commented how strange it appeared. Then for the memorial services, the expectation took me to another level of discomfort. We are to wear a long black dress that covers legs, arms, shoulders, and no silver or gold accessories. I knew the accessory part. But it was humid and 100 degree weather in a packed church. But it was not the dress but my thought process was not acceptable to begin with. I am a foreigner in my own country.
Then I start wondering about American culture… When did it start to get so loose and casual when once there was clear understanding of proper and appropriate and acceptable. When someone breaks the norm and bravely continues, then others may follow.. Now that becomes a new norm, or at least a trend. So.. Japanese are slow with changes? resistance to radical ways? Americans are born with adaptability?
There was no point in arguing or insisting to wear what I thought it was acceptable. Showing respect for such a time was far more important. At the same time, “really?” and rolling my eyes was happening in my head. There is a Japanese word “gaman” that symbolizes this act of tough it out, yielding to others, endure and do the things you do not want to do. “Endure might be a close translation but it has something more. “Gaman'' represents deep sense of humility of letting others win for the greater purpose.
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